Christmas jokes!

Analysis of popular Christmas carols according to the Health and Safety Executive...

Dear Colleagues

As part of my on going support to colleagues,
I have prepared a generic
risk H & S assessment for this time
of year - clearly you may wish to
modify the control measures to suit
your individual issues. However, it
is important that this risk assessment
be taken into account by all staff
contemplating participation in any official
or professional capacity at
any Carol Concert or similar event.



"As shepherds watch their flocks
by night" It is highly undesirable for
all the shepherds to watch their flocks
by night. To avoid excessive
working hours the shepherds should either
have a rota or use an out of
hours provider. This line should preferably
be modified to avoid
encouraging a long hours culture.

"All seated on the ground"
Due to the uncontrolled nature of the lie
of the land it is unlikely that the
ground will provide an ergonomically
suitable seating position. Properly
designed seating should be used. The
line should be modified to reflect this.



"The angel of the Lord came down"
To avoid miss-diagnosis as a
schizophrenic experience it is important
to ensure that this visit be
properly documented either through a
file note signed by the angel or
through photographic evidence.

"And glory shone around"
In the absence of adequate research about
the effects of such divine glory on
the retina it is suggested that
exposure be limited to 15 minutes.



"Once in royal David's city In
a lowly cattle shed Where a mother laid
her baby In a manger for a bed"
The Nursing and Midwifery Council have
confirmed that in no circumstances can
this practice be endorsed due to
the risk of neonatal tetanus. This carol
should not be used as it is in
breach of child protection policies.



"Away in a manger No crib for
a bed" These lines should be modified to
comply with child protection Policies.

"The little Lord Jesus Laid down
his sweet head" In view of current
obesity problems the word "sweet"
should not be used to imply adorability.
A less semantically challenging word,
such as "cute" should be used
instead. It is also important that the
correct sleeping position be
emphasised as a footnote to this carol.



"Ding dong merrily on high"
"Hark the herald angels sing" Reference to
noise abatement regulations should be
added in each case.



"God rest ye merry gentlemen Let
nothing you dismay" The word merry
could be taken to imply the consumption
of excessive Alcohol and
therefore this could be seen as an endorsement
of binge drinking. The
second line however demonstrates the
overconfidence induced by excess
alcohol consumption. The carol is therefore
potentially educative if
linked to appropriate educational material.
It should not however be used
in other settings.



"Good King Wenceslas looked out
etc" This is a seriously irresponsible
carol encouraging senior managers to
leave their posts during a major
adverse weather incident in order to
embark on a dangerous quest to
rescue a single individual, putting
a member of their staff (the page) at
risk in the same ill-founded endeavour.
Had Wenceslas attended properly
to his duties he could have arranged
for the clearance of snow from the
forest roads allowing social security
officials to reach the poor man in
the normal way. This carol must not
be used except as a negative example
in a training exercise



Regards

Corporate Elf and Safety

Three wicked old men died on Christmas Eve, they arrived at the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter said,

"You three have been wicked men, but as it's Christmas, if you can do something Christmassy, I'll let you in."

The first man put his hand in his pocket, and took out his lighter, he lit it and said, "This represents the light of the world."

So Saint Peter let him in.

The second man pulled out a bunch of keys and started to jingle them, saying, "This represents the bells of Christmas Morning."

So Saint Peter let him in.

The third man produced a pair of women's knickers.

"What are those?" Asked St Peter.

"Oh", said the man, "they're Carol's."

Ren

here is somthing that was wrote by frank kelly (father jack)

Day One
.
Dear Nuala,
Thank you very much for your lovely present of a partridge in a pear-tree. We’re getting the hang of feeding the partridge now, although it was difficult at first to win its confidence. It bit the mother rather badly on the hand but they’re good friends now and we’re keeping the pear-tree indoors in a bucket. Thank you again.
Yours affectionately,
Gobnait O’Lúnasa
.
.
Day Two
.
Dear Nuala,
I cannot tell you how surprised we were to hear from you so soon again and to receive your lovely present of two turtle doves. You really are too kind. At first the partridge was very jealous and suspicious of the doves and they had a terrible row the night the doves arrived. We had to send for the vet but the birds are okay again and the stitches are due to some out in a week or two. The vet’s bill was £8 but the mother is over her annoyance now and the doves and the partridge are watching the telly from the pear-tree as I write.
Yours ever,
Gobnait
.
.
Day Three
.
Dear Nuala,
We must be foremost in your thoughts. I had only posted my letter when the three French hens arrived. There was another sort-out between the hens and the doves, who sided with the partridge, and the vet had to be sent for again. The mother was raging because the bill was £16 this time but she has almost cooled down. However, the fact that the birds’ droppings keep falling down on her hair whilen she’s watching the telly, doesn’t help matters. Thanking you for your kindness.
I remain,
Your Gobnait
.
.
Day Four
.
Dear Nuala,
You mustn’t have received my last letter when you were sending us the four calling birds. There was pandemonium in the pear-tree again last night and the vet’s bill was £32. The mother is on sedation as I write. I know you meant no harm and remain your close friend.
Gobnauit
.
.
Day Five
.
Nuala,
Your generosity knows no bounds. Five gold rings ! When the parcel arrived I was scared stiff that it might be more birds, because the smell in the living-room is atrocious. However, I don’t want to seem ungrateful for the beautiful rings.
Your affectionate friend,
Gobnait
.
.
Day Six
.
Nuala,
What are you trying to do to us ? It isn’t that we don’t appreciate your generosity but the six geese have not alone nearly murdered the calling birds but they laid their eggs on top of the vet’s head from the pear-tree and his bill was £68 in cash ! My mother is munching 60 grains of Valium a day and talking to herself in a most alarming way. You must keep your feelings for me in check.
Gobnait
.
.
Day Seven
.
Nuala,
We are not amused by your little joke. Seven swans-a-swimming is a most romantic idea but not in the bath of a private house. We cannot use the bathroom now because they’ve gone completely savage and rush the door every time we try to enter. If things go on this way, the mother and I will smell as bad as the living-room carpet. Please lay off. It is not fair.
Gobnait
.
.
Day Eight
.
Nuala,
Who the hell do you think gave you the right to send eight, hefty maids-a-milking here, to eat us out of house and home ? Their cattle are all over the front lawn and have trampled the hell out of the mother’s rose-beds. The swans invaded the living-room in a sneak attack and the ensuing battle between them and the calling birds, turtle doves, French hens and partridge make the Battle of the Somme seem like Wanderly Wagon. The mother is on a bottle of whiskey a day, as well as the sixty grains of Valium. I’m very annoyed with you.
Gobnait
.
.
Day Nine
.
Listen you louser !
There’s enough pandemonium in this place night and day without nine drummers drumming, while the eight flaming maids-a-milking are beating my poor, old alcoholic mother out of her own kitchen and gobbling everything in sight. I’m warning you, you’re making an enemy of me.
Gobnait
.
.
Day Ten
.
Listen manure-face,
I hope you’ll be haunted by the strains of ten pipers piping which you sent to torment us last night. They were aided in their evil work by those maniac drummers and it wasn’t a pleasant sight to look out the window and see eight hefty maids-a-milking pogo-ing around with the ensuing punk-rock uproar. My mother has just finished her third bottle of whiskey, on top of a hundred and twenty four grains of Valium. You’ll get yours !
Gobnait O’Lúnasa
.
.
Day Eleven
.
You have scandalised my mother, you dirty Jezebel,
It was bad enough to have eight maids-a-milking dancing to punk music on the front lawn but they’ve now been joined by your friends ~ the eleven Lords-a-leaping and the antics of the whole lot of them would leave the most decadent days of the Roman Empire looking like “Outlook”. I’ll get you yet, you ould bag !
.
.
Day Twelve
.
Listen slurry head,
You have ruined our lives. The twelve maidens dancing turned up last night and beat the living daylights out of the eight maids-a-milking, ‘cos they found them carrying on with the eleven Lords-a-leaping. Meanwhile, the swans got out of the living-room, where they’d been hiding since the big battle, and savaged hell out of the Lords and all the Maids. There were eight ambulances here last night, and the local Civil Defence as well. The mother is in a home for the bewildered and I’m sitting here, up to my neck in birds’ droppings, empty whiskey and Valium bottles, birds’ blood and feathers, while the flaming cows eat the leaves off the pear-tree. I’m a broken man.
Gobnait O’Lúnasa

You star! I've been looking for a transcript of this for ages!!!!!

your welcome .

i heard it on the radio this morning and i almost cried with laughter.
and when i heard it was by Frank Kelly i had a feeling you would like it to .

Good King Wenceslas looked out,
On the Feast of Stephen,
A snowball hit him on the snout
And made it all uneven.
Brightly shone his nose that night,
And the pain was cruel,
Till the doctor came in sight,
Riding on a mule.

Does anyone know the rest of this???

T'was Christmas Day at the workhouse,
The Snow was raining fast.
They gave me a plain bun with currants in,
So I ate it and gave it them back...

Ren.

Good King Wenceslas looked out,
In his cabbage garden,
Bumped into a Brussells Sprout,
and said I beg your pa-ar-don.

Ren

Much has been said of Rudolf, the Red Nosed Reindeer, but little is mentioned of Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen.

These are known as the brown-nosed reindeer.

But only because Rudolf stopped suddenly.

Bumb.
found it on youtube to
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQkF7fpw-wI

Decorating the tree...



Admiring one's handiwork...



Getting the little ones off to bed...



Oh, the excitement...



Then, finally, on Christmas morning...

Even cats love Christmas!